Where has the time gone!

I started a new job this week working part time over 4 days. My daughter who is 3 goes to nursery while I am at work.

I have to say being a single parent to a toddler while working a pretty busy job is very tiring and time consuming.

My day currently is from about 7am If I’m lucky to about 7pm. This doesn’t include the times I’m woke up every single night. Luckily my little one is not too bad behaved at the moment at least haha.

So before it was busy with my daughter however at least when I was at home with her I could get some jobs done at the same time. Today I dropped her off at nursery, went to work, did a food shop,picked her up made dinner and it went on and on 🤣

I was making dinner and staring at the washing up from the day and thought omg it never ends haha. Not only that where has the time gone. My day just disappeared. I landed up washing up,drying up and sweeping my downstairs all while dinner was cooking as I really couldn’t see another opportunity if I wanted to at least relax for a little bit.

I do receive benefits and I am grateful for this I really am it means I have a house for my daughter and I. However now she is 3 and I am working I can’t help feel that some people don’t understand how hard it is for single parents that have no support at all. It’s 7 days a week 365 days a year non stop. No days off just keep going and going. I love being a parent however hearing people complain about the fact they didn’t do anything at the weekend does make me laugh. I don’t even remember what it feels like to sit on a Saturday afternoon and just peacefully watch a movie or something.

I have always prioritised my time because if I didn’t I’m not actually sure how I would cope to be honest. My house would be a mess, I would be a mess and well my child wouldn’t have the support she deserves.

What I’m trying to say is if you have a friend or family member that you know is by themselves with children and they are non stop maybe offer some support. Any little thing can be a huge help for someone like me! To all those mums and dads in the same position your are superheros!

Be kind and caring xx

Waiting for the good to happen…

I’ve always struggled with seeing the positive in life. My mother got cancer when I was 15 and it hit me like a brick wall. I then had some tough years with my identity and then some rather poor relationship choices.

My mother is a worrier. Unfortunately this has been passed on to me, even more so when my mum was ill. So how do we get out of this negative rut?

About a month ago after 15 years of being clear from cancer my poor mum got diagnosed again with secondary cancer. This news took me back to being a 15 year old teenager. I’m pretty sure it’s still not hitting me. A part of me just isn’t allowing it to hit me because I know the effects it will have.

A couple of weeks ago I had some good and unexpected news about a house I’ve been waiting for. I’ve been so busy with planning it all that I’ve been able to control my feelings with my mum. Yes she is still very poorly and it’s really upsetting but I’m not on the floor crying. This has made me question my whole worrying and negative process I put myself through all the time.

Maybe if I were to think more about the fact something exciting is going to happen than waiting for the negative I might be able to get through life just that little bit better.

For those of you that are in this negative battle try and focus on something that could be in your reach. Whether it is a new job, a treat for yourself or just having a day without your anxiety. It could be the difference between being on antidepressants and being able to cope by yourself.

Take care of yourself, be positive xx

Am I non-binary or a lesbian struggling with identity?

In the last year in the U.K. society has really began to accept more individuals for being themselves and choosing their identity. Whether it is gay, lesbian, bisexual, straight, trans, non binary, poly or pan. It has come to my attention that I’ve been aware for a long time that I just don’t feel like I fit into any category clearly.

Since I was 19 I’ve identified as a lesbian woman. Now I’ve never been really feminine in how I dress however I would say my personality is feminine. So what does this mean? Does it mean I am a lesbian and that’s it or can I be lesbian and non binary? Can you be more than one thing. I’m finding it all really confusing at the moment and I know that I don’t have to be anything but I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t feel right. It doesn’t help that you also have butch lesbian and femme because with this I haven’t a clue either. I hate when people ask me which am I because I’m both to be honest!

My mind is almost saying two things. To not be feminine but on the other hand act feminine and I’m not sure if it’s me wanting this or whether I still feel society and generations have made me feel like I have to be a certain way. That I won’t be deemed as beautiful if I don’t wear make up and dresses. I think I have felt this way since I was a teenager. I’ve always been really sporty so wore mostly a shirt or hoody with jeans. To me I feel most myself here but for some reason in my mind this makes me less of a woman and it upsets me that something so little as that changes who I am.

At one point I wondered if I was trans because I didn’t like having breasts and well still don’t really but then I don’t want a penis either and this is wear non binary makes sense because it’s not wanting to be either gender. Saying that I do like to be referred to as a woman but I just don’t know if I like my body that way. As you can see I’m super confused about it all. I’m sure there are many others out there in the same position.

I was talking to my mum today as she was saying how sweet my daughters clothes were. So Joie was wearing a t shirt which was blue with palm leaves on and then some long shorts that where like a brown colour with California down the side. Now to me when I look at these clothes I see nice clothes. Of course I picked them for her. However to some them may see “boys” clothes and well to be honest they were from the boys section in the store. My daughter however doesn’t know this and I almost felt a little bit sad because I don’t want her growing up feeling uncomfortable if she actually prefers the boy clothes. When really it’s a basic t shirt and shorts and she shouldn’t be worrying about any of these things. I don’t know why we still have these gender separations especially for our children. Yes they are boys and girls I’m aware of how it’s not the same but does this mean we have to raise our children in these old fashion gender roles? It’s 2021 don’t you think we should scrap these gender sections in shops and let our children explore all the options for themselves without the awkwardness attached?

We should all bring a positive attitude regarding sexual identity to our children. They need to know that they don’t need to fit into a little box and stay there. I for one will make sure my daughter lives her life for herself and knows that she can be whoever she wants to be and if she ever wants to change that’s also ok too.

For myself this journey of self discovery will forever continue with the hope that one day I will start to feel more at peace with myself. To the people out there in the same position I hope you also find peace with yourself and love yourself.

Be caring to yourself xx

Loss of interest or motivation?

I’ve recently been asked a few times what do I enjoy or do I have any hobbies. I can’t help feel like this sad pathetic person because I don’t have anything to say on this topic.

So before I had my daughter I went to the gym, did a bit of DIY around the house and felt like maybe I could answer this question. Now I just don’t feel like anything excites me and I can’t even think of something I want to do. I have to find a job soon and I have no clue what to look for. Even the job centre said find something you enjoy. What even is that! It’s starting to stress me out a little for many reasons. Is this temporary, my mental health or something else.

I’m trying to figure out if it’s my lack of motivation and just being tired that’s stopping me from finding something that I’m passionate about. It’s also quite difficult being a full time mum to a toddler to actually have the time to find a new hobby. It’s not like I have free evenings where I can pop out to a new sport club.

Surely I’m not the only one that feels this way at some point. How do you get out of it! Otherwise I feel like the most boring person in the world and it’s not the vibe I want to give my daughter.

I’m definitely needing to get deep under my soul and figure myself out. Maybe meditation will help me to find what I’m passionate about. I wrote another blog about identity crisis from being a childless person to a mother and I feel like my lack of enjoyment might be interlinked with this. Maybe I just need to find what I enjoy now as a mother or just give myself some time as I have had a lot going on. I’m not acknowledging my journey enough and how much life has changed for me. Add in the hormones and no wonder it’s freaking me out a little bit. One part of me is scared to find out the answer to my question and another part of me is looking forward to seeing if I can enjoy things again.

Be caring to yourself xx

What to do when your feelings don’t matter to someone?

So I recently started dating someone and it has come to my attention that some people really don’t want to change at all for anyone to the point everyone but you is important.

I’ve always been really thoughtful and caring and when it comes to someone’s feelings I really try my best to consider them. I think it is so important for all of us to be acknowledged and even if this is out of our beliefs of comfort zones.

The one thing I almost find funny is this sentence I am about to talk about and I’m almost certain that those of you out there have either used this or had it been said to you. Now I don’t know maybe it’s just me but this sentence that was used on me, it’s not been the first time. I find it upsetting, confusing and damn right disrespectful. So here we go. This is what was said; “I know this is going to upset you but…” and then the rest was obviously something that upset me.

Ok now I’m not sure why someone would firstly tell you that something is going to upset you. Secondly why would you do it then if it’s going to upset them when there are clearly other options. Finally just think about what your saying! It’s showing that you don’t care enough. Almost like o well you will be upset but il get to do what I want.

These people just aren’t worth my time. I can’t ever imagine doing something if I knew it was going to upset someone. Especially if it was something that I could find another way. I’m trying to teach my daughter to be strong minded and confident but this behaviour is almost spiteful and I will be telling her when she is older to not accept people to be this way.

Unfortunately if you want a relationship to work you need to focus on the two people in that relationship not ex partners or friends just the two of you. At the end of the day all you will see is everyone else in a happy relationship and your alone because you haven’t made that person feel important enough.

For those of you in relationships think about how you speak to each other and how you communicate. Are you putting their needs first like they do with you. Are you really caring about their feelings like you say or just Brushing it off because it’s not affecting you. For those of you who are single. Stop taking this behaviour from people as it really isn’t acceptable. They either care or they don’t. Walk away as you deserve more! I think these days people seem to accept their partners being nasty but seriously you shouldn’t be taking it.

Be caring to yourself and others xx

How to survive the terrible twos!

For those of you who don’t have kids, this is an actual thing! You have these little babies who yes cry and need to be held a lot and then they start to move and walk or run and everything you knew you now don’t know.

My what was quiet house is now a daily shout and scream zone with hints of attitude and melt downs haha. Yes I’m laughing because if you don’t it will be you having the melt down.

I’m a single parent to a two year old girl. She is the most amazing little diva who is full of life and laughter but my god she can have a stand down! That’s right it’s like having a teenager already! It’s exhausting trying to be this amazing parent who tries their hardest to parent by those self help books we all purchase. At the end of the day you do what you can to survive when your on your own. I don’t have the middle of the night support from a partner so I have to just have her in bed with me when it comes to her waking up or I will literally look like a zombie the next day. This won’t help the being single part!

When you aren’t part of a tag team you have to just try and keep the peace in the house or let’s be honest life just won’t be enjoyable and we will all have a 24/7 migraine. Lately my little one is learning to share her things which it isn’t easy and I understand that and try explain it to her. Her reaction is quite different and just tantrums her way out of it or just ignores me completely haha. I’ve done my best though I’ve tried to teach her the way of life and if she isn’t listening to that well there isn’t much I can do? So I’ve learnt to just give myself a break from feeling so bad about it all. We can’t force them to do things especially at 2 years old. We have to accept that in time these things will come into place.

I took my little one to a playground the other day and she was upset as she doesn’t understand that everyone can go on the play equipment she thinks only she can go on it. I tried to explain and help her be confident but about 20 minutes later I said let’s go home so we did. However the whole journey home she was shouting in the car that she didn’t get to go on the playground. Now this is when you grit your teeth and smile it off haha. They just don’t understand yet and it’s frustrating for you because you don’t have anyone to help you with this. While I was on the walk I actually noticed a couple with their child. Same age as mine probably. The child wasn’t listening to them. The mum kept trying to explain and then the dad came over and said the same thing and helped the mum. It’s so hard being a single mum in these situations because you feel like your fighting a loosing battle!

It is so important that we don’t judge each other as parents as every situation is different and we all have our struggles even if your a couple. The thing to note is that if you are alone and your really trying but you feel it’s not getting anywhere, IT’S OK! It will get better but for now give yourself a break. Raising a child is the most wonderful yet difficult thing you will ever do. There will be ups and downs but if your kids know your there for them and love them well that’s enough for now.

Be caring to yourself xx

Being the impossible

Why is it we are always trying to be something we aren’t. Whether it’s our identity, our religion, our work or our relationships we are always fighting ourselves.

For me I’ve always struggled with my identify mostly because I am so different to my family, especially my sister. For one I’m a lesbian which my sister or any other family member or friend isn’t. Secondly I don’t have a stable career; my sister has always known what she wanted to do and she stuck to it. Then add being Vegan on top of that and I couldn’t feel more out of place with the world. It’s almost like I just can’t keep up.

The problem is there is so much media these days that we all then feel like we aren’t doing enough. We aren’t skinny enough or fit enough, we can’t do amazing tricks or paint beautiful portraits. Not saying these people don’t work extremely hard at their skills and professions.

So why are we feeling so bad after seeing these things? Especially when we know how they got to be that way. I think a part of it is inner guilt. A lack of trying that we know we could do more but we choose not too. I know myself I really struggle to have motivation due to my bouts of anxiety and depression. I also give up really easily on tasks. Is this something I’ve chosen to be or how I am though? Is it my fault I can’t match up to expectations?

Recently I have been really looking at myself and my life. I have noticed what part of the problem is and that’s self love. I’m never seeing the good parts of myself I don’t say to myself your doing a great job raising a baby by yourself. Instead I’m always focusing on what I’m not doing. We always want more we always focus on the future and what we need to do never on the present and how much we have already accomplished.

The thing is we can’t compare ourselves with others because we are all so different. We all believe in something different we all have priorities that are more or less important and we all think differently. This doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there that have these same values as you. It’s just finding communities that make you feel more supported and safe and understood.

Maybe next time you see an Instagram post, blog or news report don’t even think about relating it to yourself because you can’t! Yes we can admire it, enjoy it or even learn from it but don’t compare your life to it. Your special, important and worthy in your own way. Learn to love your life the way it is. It’s what makes you, YOU. Love the life you live and live the life you love.

Be caring to yourself xx

Body Image… let’s update it

Recently I was talking to a women just in conversation about keeping healthy and all of a sudden it straight away turned from talking about food we both eat to feeling bad about our bodies. Why is this? Why do women feel the need to explain ourselves and why we might be overweight or in some cases underweight.

It got me thinking whether this will ever change or if it’s going to be an issue for my daughter too. I clearly don’t agree with being unhealthy however some women out there do try to eat healthy and exercise and there weight still upsets them.

Walk down a street on a hot day and there are men with their tops off; not all having a six pack either some would be a size 18 if they wore women’s clothes. Now if you had a woman do they same they would get so much critic for doing that. In fact so much so if they had the option most if not all wouldn’t take their top off out of judgement and fear.

Why do we have this problem still in our world. Back in the Italian renaissance women were called beautiful for their curvaceous bodies. Artists would make sculptures and they were seen as the norm. Now if you had that people would say it was horrible to look at.

Let’s also remember that women do have a reproductive cycle. This includes the menstrual cycle which does cause our bodies to bloat. Then most of us have babies which completely changes not only our bodies but our hormones that regulates things like our metabolism. Our breasts change and our hips widen. This isn’t anything we have done to change. It is how the female form was created. So why should we be judged for this.

Like mentioned at the start women are also criticised for being too thin too! We honestly can’t win on the body image front. Some women then feel less feminine when their breasts aren’t as big and a lot of the time will get bullied and laughed at because of it. I do know men also get judgement for ‘man boobs’ however for a man it’s not usually the daily struggle that women have to face. Also usually men will find it easier to loose this body fat than a woman would.

I think it’s time to have less body shaming and start to accept that everyone does have a different body shape or different story that has affected their body. I know that when I had my daughter my body was in a lot of pain for many months. So me trying to exercise wasn’t an option and many other women who have had babies will find that it causes them problems. To this day I have a bad back that stops me doing certain things. Even after typing in female body to the image section it comes up with lots of women exercising like that’s what we should all be doing!!

Maybe it’s because I’m nearly 30 but I’ve learnt that if someone can’t love me for me then really it’s their loss not mine. I’m proud of my body it’s been through a lot and yet it is still beautiful in it’s own form. So instead of looking in the mirror feeling sad about yourself why don’t you look at how far you have come and embrace yourself. Pick out three things you love about yourself and remember how beautiful the female body is!

Be caring to yourself xx

SEX! Let’s just talk about it.

The word sex has always been trivial. It creates questions, judgement, secrets and pain. However it should also create passion, fantasy and connection not just with your partner but also with yourself.

A person can have sex for many reasons. It could be to have intimacy with your lover, for fun with someone your dating or with yourself to just let yourself go for once. Unfortunately sex has been made to make us feel shameful and guilty if it’s not for the right reasons; being in a relationship with someone you love.

I’ve recently been thinking about the depth of sex. It’s not talked about enough with friends or family and definitely not in school. Sex can be complicated and we all need a greater understanding of what it is and what could be involved. Firstly I’d like to write about the basics.

What is sex?? Many may think this is a stupid thing to say but If you ask your friends I’m pretty sure they will all come up with different answers. Guess what! It’s because there are different ways to interpret sex. Sex for me is a closeness with a person. It’s an electric feeling, pulse rising, body shaking moment. It can also be powerful, yet vulnerable. It’s not just about making yourself feel good it’s about making the person your with feel everything. Making them feel safe, comfortable, confident and of course sexy. This isn’t taught to us and honestly I really think it should be. Schools say they have sex education but do they? Because I don’t remember learning these things. All I’ve been taught is that a man puts his penis in a vagina and that’s sex. But sorry it really isn’t, especially after being in a Lesbian relationship, that is far from what sex is all about. If you teach kids this then they won’t get to experience a healthy sexual relationship. I don’t believe that this will make teens have more sex at all. It just gives them more knowledge and understanding and for me this can only bring a positive outcome.

Rape. I am only 29 years old and the amount of women I have heard to of been sexually assault is horrific. Of course Men can also be raped and this shouldn’t be hidden. Sadly there are people out there that have been raped and it not only breaks them in that moment it ruins there life completely. However because we are a society of silence many rapists get a way with doing this disgusting act. If sex was talked about more within communities many people would find it easier to talk about when it’s important.

Knowing your own body is such a liberating and beautiful thing and yet so many don’t seem to know what is going on down there! Women have always been made to feel guilty or dirty for anything related to their vagina. Why is this still happening? I find it mind blowing. Our connection with our bodies is so important for many reasons. For one it tells us what we like and don’t like. Secondly if we are more comfortable with ourselves things like smear testing for cervical cancer won’t be as scary. Many women don’t get tested out of embarrassment and this needs to change.

I’m not going to be miserable in relationships because I can’t connect with my vagina. That’s another thing. Why is it so hard for people to say the word vagina! That’s what it is people don’t feel ashamed to say it! Talking about it, looking at it and touching it is all perfectly natural. Let’s face it if your not in a relationship you need to let go somehow.

Sexual identity is part of my life and always has been. I love who I am but it doesn’t come easily. Again another subject that isn’t talked about enough at school. I didn’t even know what same sex relationships were until quite late on and this was due to lack of knowledge. Every human being deserves happiness and love and it doesn’t matter what gender this is with.

Safe sex. This is important of course for many reasons. Both sexual diseases and pregnancy. As much as you should have a good time your health is very important and shouldn’t be neglected. I had my daughter through IUI,third attempt I fell pregnant. The journey of fertility treatment is so scary and long and in many cases devastating. So when those who have sex thinking it’s ok I can just take the morning after pill, maybe just think about all those who are really trying to conceive and can’t.

I wrote this article as I really feel sex should be talked about more, explored more and just bloody enjoyed more! It’s 2021 everyone if you can’t get in touch with yourself now then you never will! Don’t be afraid to just be more open with yourself and to others. It won’t help your confidence if you can’t even talk about it. Not only that talking about sex with your partner creates a special intimacy you can’t always get from touch.

So have a think ladies and gents about your sex life. Whether it’s alone or with someone else. Talk to your friends about theirs. Talk to your children about healthy relationships and their bodies so they grow up to be confident to say yes and no when it comes to sex. I could keep going but I will just let you get going…

Be caring to yourself xx

Why do we Label?

I’m all for identity and being yourself and until now labelling wasn’t really an issue for me. It’s 2021 and there are so many labels that I can’t actually keep up. I’m most likely going to accidentally offend someone.

Lately though I feel these labels are taking away attention from who we are as individuals. I would usually describe myself as a 29 year old vegan lesbian mum of one. As true as this information is it doesn’t tell you anything about who I am. It doesn’t say what movies I enjoy, how I like my cup of tea or what makes me happy.

I’m trying to figure out whether we use these labels for ourselves as reaffirmation or if we use it for others to identify us in a convenient way. The problem I find with labels is that people put themselves into these categories and feel like that’s it for life. What if you change who you are? Are you then going to get questioned or judged? Is someone going to look at you differently or not include you?

I feel like I’m in a place in my life where I want to explore and find myself and everyone should be able to do this without feeling like they are going outside of their label. I’m not necessarily going to go out of my label but what I’m trying to get at is that I don’t want to feel guilty for it if I do or scrutinised by others.

We shouldn’t have to feel so constricted and what is also interesting is that the labels we have is just to show how we are different from the so called norms. You wouldn’t get a straight person saying they straight as heterosexual relationships are seen as normal. The same goes for those who eat meat and those who are Christian.

I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t take labels too literal and don’t feel the need to use them to describe yourself. Yes they are a part of you but there is so much more people will want to know about you. Your allowed to just enjoy your life. Don’t limit yourself because you feel like you have to.

Be caring to yourself xx