Am I non-binary or a lesbian struggling with identity?

In the last year in the U.K. society has really began to accept more individuals for being themselves and choosing their identity. Whether it is gay, lesbian, bisexual, straight, trans, non binary, poly or pan. It has come to my attention that I’ve been aware for a long time that I just don’t feel like I fit into any category clearly.

Since I was 19 I’ve identified as a lesbian woman. Now I’ve never been really feminine in how I dress however I would say my personality is feminine. So what does this mean? Does it mean I am a lesbian and that’s it or can I be lesbian and non binary? Can you be more than one thing. I’m finding it all really confusing at the moment and I know that I don’t have to be anything but I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t feel right. It doesn’t help that you also have butch lesbian and femme because with this I haven’t a clue either. I hate when people ask me which am I because I’m both to be honest!

My mind is almost saying two things. To not be feminine but on the other hand act feminine and I’m not sure if it’s me wanting this or whether I still feel society and generations have made me feel like I have to be a certain way. That I won’t be deemed as beautiful if I don’t wear make up and dresses. I think I have felt this way since I was a teenager. I’ve always been really sporty so wore mostly a shirt or hoody with jeans. To me I feel most myself here but for some reason in my mind this makes me less of a woman and it upsets me that something so little as that changes who I am.

At one point I wondered if I was trans because I didn’t like having breasts and well still don’t really but then I don’t want a penis either and this is wear non binary makes sense because it’s not wanting to be either gender. Saying that I do like to be referred to as a woman but I just don’t know if I like my body that way. As you can see I’m super confused about it all. I’m sure there are many others out there in the same position.

I was talking to my mum today as she was saying how sweet my daughters clothes were. So Joie was wearing a t shirt which was blue with palm leaves on and then some long shorts that where like a brown colour with California down the side. Now to me when I look at these clothes I see nice clothes. Of course I picked them for her. However to some them may see “boys” clothes and well to be honest they were from the boys section in the store. My daughter however doesn’t know this and I almost felt a little bit sad because I don’t want her growing up feeling uncomfortable if she actually prefers the boy clothes. When really it’s a basic t shirt and shorts and she shouldn’t be worrying about any of these things. I don’t know why we still have these gender separations especially for our children. Yes they are boys and girls I’m aware of how it’s not the same but does this mean we have to raise our children in these old fashion gender roles? It’s 2021 don’t you think we should scrap these gender sections in shops and let our children explore all the options for themselves without the awkwardness attached?

We should all bring a positive attitude regarding sexual identity to our children. They need to know that they don’t need to fit into a little box and stay there. I for one will make sure my daughter lives her life for herself and knows that she can be whoever she wants to be and if she ever wants to change that’s also ok too.

For myself this journey of self discovery will forever continue with the hope that one day I will start to feel more at peace with myself. To the people out there in the same position I hope you also find peace with yourself and love yourself.

Be caring to yourself xx

Loss of interest or motivation?

I’ve recently been asked a few times what do I enjoy or do I have any hobbies. I can’t help feel like this sad pathetic person because I don’t have anything to say on this topic.

So before I had my daughter I went to the gym, did a bit of DIY around the house and felt like maybe I could answer this question. Now I just don’t feel like anything excites me and I can’t even think of something I want to do. I have to find a job soon and I have no clue what to look for. Even the job centre said find something you enjoy. What even is that! It’s starting to stress me out a little for many reasons. Is this temporary, my mental health or something else.

I’m trying to figure out if it’s my lack of motivation and just being tired that’s stopping me from finding something that I’m passionate about. It’s also quite difficult being a full time mum to a toddler to actually have the time to find a new hobby. It’s not like I have free evenings where I can pop out to a new sport club.

Surely I’m not the only one that feels this way at some point. How do you get out of it! Otherwise I feel like the most boring person in the world and it’s not the vibe I want to give my daughter.

I’m definitely needing to get deep under my soul and figure myself out. Maybe meditation will help me to find what I’m passionate about. I wrote another blog about identity crisis from being a childless person to a mother and I feel like my lack of enjoyment might be interlinked with this. Maybe I just need to find what I enjoy now as a mother or just give myself some time as I have had a lot going on. I’m not acknowledging my journey enough and how much life has changed for me. Add in the hormones and no wonder it’s freaking me out a little bit. One part of me is scared to find out the answer to my question and another part of me is looking forward to seeing if I can enjoy things again.

Be caring to yourself xx

SEX! Let’s just talk about it.

The word sex has always been trivial. It creates questions, judgement, secrets and pain. However it should also create passion, fantasy and connection not just with your partner but also with yourself.

A person can have sex for many reasons. It could be to have intimacy with your lover, for fun with someone your dating or with yourself to just let yourself go for once. Unfortunately sex has been made to make us feel shameful and guilty if it’s not for the right reasons; being in a relationship with someone you love.

I’ve recently been thinking about the depth of sex. It’s not talked about enough with friends or family and definitely not in school. Sex can be complicated and we all need a greater understanding of what it is and what could be involved. Firstly I’d like to write about the basics.

What is sex?? Many may think this is a stupid thing to say but If you ask your friends I’m pretty sure they will all come up with different answers. Guess what! It’s because there are different ways to interpret sex. Sex for me is a closeness with a person. It’s an electric feeling, pulse rising, body shaking moment. It can also be powerful, yet vulnerable. It’s not just about making yourself feel good it’s about making the person your with feel everything. Making them feel safe, comfortable, confident and of course sexy. This isn’t taught to us and honestly I really think it should be. Schools say they have sex education but do they? Because I don’t remember learning these things. All I’ve been taught is that a man puts his penis in a vagina and that’s sex. But sorry it really isn’t, especially after being in a Lesbian relationship, that is far from what sex is all about. If you teach kids this then they won’t get to experience a healthy sexual relationship. I don’t believe that this will make teens have more sex at all. It just gives them more knowledge and understanding and for me this can only bring a positive outcome.

Rape. I am only 29 years old and the amount of women I have heard to of been sexually assault is horrific. Of course Men can also be raped and this shouldn’t be hidden. Sadly there are people out there that have been raped and it not only breaks them in that moment it ruins there life completely. However because we are a society of silence many rapists get a way with doing this disgusting act. If sex was talked about more within communities many people would find it easier to talk about when it’s important.

Knowing your own body is such a liberating and beautiful thing and yet so many don’t seem to know what is going on down there! Women have always been made to feel guilty or dirty for anything related to their vagina. Why is this still happening? I find it mind blowing. Our connection with our bodies is so important for many reasons. For one it tells us what we like and don’t like. Secondly if we are more comfortable with ourselves things like smear testing for cervical cancer won’t be as scary. Many women don’t get tested out of embarrassment and this needs to change.

I’m not going to be miserable in relationships because I can’t connect with my vagina. That’s another thing. Why is it so hard for people to say the word vagina! That’s what it is people don’t feel ashamed to say it! Talking about it, looking at it and touching it is all perfectly natural. Let’s face it if your not in a relationship you need to let go somehow.

Sexual identity is part of my life and always has been. I love who I am but it doesn’t come easily. Again another subject that isn’t talked about enough at school. I didn’t even know what same sex relationships were until quite late on and this was due to lack of knowledge. Every human being deserves happiness and love and it doesn’t matter what gender this is with.

Safe sex. This is important of course for many reasons. Both sexual diseases and pregnancy. As much as you should have a good time your health is very important and shouldn’t be neglected. I had my daughter through IUI,third attempt I fell pregnant. The journey of fertility treatment is so scary and long and in many cases devastating. So when those who have sex thinking it’s ok I can just take the morning after pill, maybe just think about all those who are really trying to conceive and can’t.

I wrote this article as I really feel sex should be talked about more, explored more and just bloody enjoyed more! It’s 2021 everyone if you can’t get in touch with yourself now then you never will! Don’t be afraid to just be more open with yourself and to others. It won’t help your confidence if you can’t even talk about it. Not only that talking about sex with your partner creates a special intimacy you can’t always get from touch.

So have a think ladies and gents about your sex life. Whether it’s alone or with someone else. Talk to your friends about theirs. Talk to your children about healthy relationships and their bodies so they grow up to be confident to say yes and no when it comes to sex. I could keep going but I will just let you get going…

Be caring to yourself xx

Why do we Label?

I’m all for identity and being yourself and until now labelling wasn’t really an issue for me. It’s 2021 and there are so many labels that I can’t actually keep up. I’m most likely going to accidentally offend someone.

Lately though I feel these labels are taking away attention from who we are as individuals. I would usually describe myself as a 29 year old vegan lesbian mum of one. As true as this information is it doesn’t tell you anything about who I am. It doesn’t say what movies I enjoy, how I like my cup of tea or what makes me happy.

I’m trying to figure out whether we use these labels for ourselves as reaffirmation or if we use it for others to identify us in a convenient way. The problem I find with labels is that people put themselves into these categories and feel like that’s it for life. What if you change who you are? Are you then going to get questioned or judged? Is someone going to look at you differently or not include you?

I feel like I’m in a place in my life where I want to explore and find myself and everyone should be able to do this without feeling like they are going outside of their label. I’m not necessarily going to go out of my label but what I’m trying to get at is that I don’t want to feel guilty for it if I do or scrutinised by others.

We shouldn’t have to feel so constricted and what is also interesting is that the labels we have is just to show how we are different from the so called norms. You wouldn’t get a straight person saying they straight as heterosexual relationships are seen as normal. The same goes for those who eat meat and those who are Christian.

I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t take labels too literal and don’t feel the need to use them to describe yourself. Yes they are a part of you but there is so much more people will want to know about you. Your allowed to just enjoy your life. Don’t limit yourself because you feel like you have to.

Be caring to yourself xx

Loosing yourself

It’s not until I meet up with a friend by myself or pop to the shop alone that I realise my identity isn’t the same now I am a parent.

My journey started with IUI fertility treatment. I went through this as I was in a same sex relationship. I really wanted a child and so I made it happen. Luckily I was successful. When I chose to have a child I didn’t really realise how my identity would change. Obviously I knew I was going to be a mum but until you are a parent you don’t think about some of the changes to your life.

I’m not your average stereotypical mum. I certainly don’t dress like one and I’m not into all those mum groups and coffee meet ups. Not saying that there is something wrong with these at all. It’s just not me.

Be a single parent it’s really hard to do the things you love that makes you feel a bit more in touch with yourself. For example there are times I’d love to go for a nice walk in the evening or pop to the beach and watch the sunset. However when you have a little one you can’t just do that when they are fast asleep in bed. I love my little one to pieces but it’s been hard for me to loose my identity. Yes I identify as a mum of course. However when you are alone either at work or on a date it’s really hard to then go from a mum to you as a person. It’s almost like I’m having some sort of identity crisis at the moment.

I remember when I was pregnant I felt like I had to be someone I’m not. I’d say I’m fairly tomboy so to be pregnant it felt like something did match up and I did become more feminine because of this. A lot of the time it’s probably because I worry way too much about what others think of me. It doesn’t help when you get called a boy when you have short hair. It’s 2021 women have short hair!

It’s not that I’m not happy identifying as a mum but I am also many other things and I feel like these parts of me get forgotten about. When people ask what are your interests and hobbies I honestly don’t know how to answer because I don’t have any now that I’m a full time mum. I guess I find this upsetting because it shows that I’ve lost myself slightly.

I think it’s time I found a new interest or hobby that I can enjoy for me. Soon my little one will be in nursery. I want to use that time for myself. To do the things I love and maybe I will start to feel a bit more at peace with myself. I’m sure I’m not the only mum out there that feels this way.

Be caring to yourself xx