Am I non-binary or a lesbian struggling with identity?

In the last year in the U.K. society has really began to accept more individuals for being themselves and choosing their identity. Whether it is gay, lesbian, bisexual, straight, trans, non binary, poly or pan. It has come to my attention that I’ve been aware for a long time that I just don’t feel like I fit into any category clearly.

Since I was 19 I’ve identified as a lesbian woman. Now I’ve never been really feminine in how I dress however I would say my personality is feminine. So what does this mean? Does it mean I am a lesbian and that’s it or can I be lesbian and non binary? Can you be more than one thing. I’m finding it all really confusing at the moment and I know that I don’t have to be anything but I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t feel right. It doesn’t help that you also have butch lesbian and femme because with this I haven’t a clue either. I hate when people ask me which am I because I’m both to be honest!

My mind is almost saying two things. To not be feminine but on the other hand act feminine and I’m not sure if it’s me wanting this or whether I still feel society and generations have made me feel like I have to be a certain way. That I won’t be deemed as beautiful if I don’t wear make up and dresses. I think I have felt this way since I was a teenager. I’ve always been really sporty so wore mostly a shirt or hoody with jeans. To me I feel most myself here but for some reason in my mind this makes me less of a woman and it upsets me that something so little as that changes who I am.

At one point I wondered if I was trans because I didn’t like having breasts and well still don’t really but then I don’t want a penis either and this is wear non binary makes sense because it’s not wanting to be either gender. Saying that I do like to be referred to as a woman but I just don’t know if I like my body that way. As you can see I’m super confused about it all. I’m sure there are many others out there in the same position.

I was talking to my mum today as she was saying how sweet my daughters clothes were. So Joie was wearing a t shirt which was blue with palm leaves on and then some long shorts that where like a brown colour with California down the side. Now to me when I look at these clothes I see nice clothes. Of course I picked them for her. However to some them may see “boys” clothes and well to be honest they were from the boys section in the store. My daughter however doesn’t know this and I almost felt a little bit sad because I don’t want her growing up feeling uncomfortable if she actually prefers the boy clothes. When really it’s a basic t shirt and shorts and she shouldn’t be worrying about any of these things. I don’t know why we still have these gender separations especially for our children. Yes they are boys and girls I’m aware of how it’s not the same but does this mean we have to raise our children in these old fashion gender roles? It’s 2021 don’t you think we should scrap these gender sections in shops and let our children explore all the options for themselves without the awkwardness attached?

We should all bring a positive attitude regarding sexual identity to our children. They need to know that they don’t need to fit into a little box and stay there. I for one will make sure my daughter lives her life for herself and knows that she can be whoever she wants to be and if she ever wants to change that’s also ok too.

For myself this journey of self discovery will forever continue with the hope that one day I will start to feel more at peace with myself. To the people out there in the same position I hope you also find peace with yourself and love yourself.

Be caring to yourself xx

Being the impossible

Why is it we are always trying to be something we aren’t. Whether it’s our identity, our religion, our work or our relationships we are always fighting ourselves.

For me I’ve always struggled with my identify mostly because I am so different to my family, especially my sister. For one I’m a lesbian which my sister or any other family member or friend isn’t. Secondly I don’t have a stable career; my sister has always known what she wanted to do and she stuck to it. Then add being Vegan on top of that and I couldn’t feel more out of place with the world. It’s almost like I just can’t keep up.

The problem is there is so much media these days that we all then feel like we aren’t doing enough. We aren’t skinny enough or fit enough, we can’t do amazing tricks or paint beautiful portraits. Not saying these people don’t work extremely hard at their skills and professions.

So why are we feeling so bad after seeing these things? Especially when we know how they got to be that way. I think a part of it is inner guilt. A lack of trying that we know we could do more but we choose not too. I know myself I really struggle to have motivation due to my bouts of anxiety and depression. I also give up really easily on tasks. Is this something I’ve chosen to be or how I am though? Is it my fault I can’t match up to expectations?

Recently I have been really looking at myself and my life. I have noticed what part of the problem is and that’s self love. I’m never seeing the good parts of myself I don’t say to myself your doing a great job raising a baby by yourself. Instead I’m always focusing on what I’m not doing. We always want more we always focus on the future and what we need to do never on the present and how much we have already accomplished.

The thing is we can’t compare ourselves with others because we are all so different. We all believe in something different we all have priorities that are more or less important and we all think differently. This doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there that have these same values as you. It’s just finding communities that make you feel more supported and safe and understood.

Maybe next time you see an Instagram post, blog or news report don’t even think about relating it to yourself because you can’t! Yes we can admire it, enjoy it or even learn from it but don’t compare your life to it. Your special, important and worthy in your own way. Learn to love your life the way it is. It’s what makes you, YOU. Love the life you live and live the life you love.

Be caring to yourself xx