I’ve always struggled with seeing the positive in life. My mother got cancer when I was 15 and it hit me like a brick wall. I then had some tough years with my identity and then some rather poor relationship choices.
My mother is a worrier. Unfortunately this has been passed on to me, even more so when my mum was ill. So how do we get out of this negative rut?
About a month ago after 15 years of being clear from cancer my poor mum got diagnosed again with secondary cancer. This news took me back to being a 15 year old teenager. I’m pretty sure it’s still not hitting me. A part of me just isn’t allowing it to hit me because I know the effects it will have.
A couple of weeks ago I had some good and unexpected news about a house I’ve been waiting for. I’ve been so busy with planning it all that I’ve been able to control my feelings with my mum. Yes she is still very poorly and it’s really upsetting but I’m not on the floor crying. This has made me question my whole worrying and negative process I put myself through all the time.
Maybe if I were to think more about the fact something exciting is going to happen than waiting for the negative I might be able to get through life just that little bit better.
For those of you that are in this negative battle try and focus on something that could be in your reach. Whether it is a new job, a treat for yourself or just having a day without your anxiety. It could be the difference between being on antidepressants and being able to cope by yourself.
I’ve recently been asked a few times what do I enjoy or do I have any hobbies. I can’t help feel like this sad pathetic person because I don’t have anything to say on this topic.
So before I had my daughter I went to the gym, did a bit of DIY around the house and felt like maybe I could answer this question. Now I just don’t feel like anything excites me and I can’t even think of something I want to do. I have to find a job soon and I have no clue what to look for. Even the job centre said find something you enjoy. What even is that! It’s starting to stress me out a little for many reasons. Is this temporary, my mental health or something else.
I’m trying to figure out if it’s my lack of motivation and just being tired that’s stopping me from finding something that I’m passionate about. It’s also quite difficult being a full time mum to a toddler to actually have the time to find a new hobby. It’s not like I have free evenings where I can pop out to a new sport club.
Surely I’m not the only one that feels this way at some point. How do you get out of it! Otherwise I feel like the most boring person in the world and it’s not the vibe I want to give my daughter.
I’m definitely needing to get deep under my soul and figure myself out. Maybe meditation will help me to find what I’m passionate about. I wrote another blog about identity crisis from being a childless person to a mother and I feel like my lack of enjoyment might be interlinked with this. Maybe I just need to find what I enjoy now as a mother or just give myself some time as I have had a lot going on. I’m not acknowledging my journey enough and how much life has changed for me. Add in the hormones and no wonder it’s freaking me out a little bit. One part of me is scared to find out the answer to my question and another part of me is looking forward to seeing if I can enjoy things again.
I won’t lie this blog may come over as a slight rant at society but it will also come across as something far too familiar to many of you.
As many of you know that follow of me, I have been doing some gardening to help with my mental health and overall well being. It was supposed to be something positive in my life and having my garden to look at would be a perfect reminder to enjoy the little things in life.
Well today that was thought was driven over. This isn’t a metaphor. Nope. Someone had drove over my front garden, knocked down my fence and smashed up my plant pots.
Firstly my reaction to this was pure rage! I mean what is wrong with society. Does anyone have respect for anyone or their property anymore? It’s really sad to think my daughter is going to live in a world where know-one shows respect for her or her feelings.
I grew up in a family where we were taught to be nice to everyone and be respectful to one another. Now if I’m correct in thinking, this is not that difficult. It’s not that hard to NOT drive over someone’s garden. If you feel I’m wrong please take your driving test again to know the difference between road and grass.
Secondly I felt and overall sadness for what had happened. I always keep to myself where I live I’m not noisy or messy I am what I call a good neighbour. So for someone to do this it’s made me question was this out of stupidity on their part or out of some sort of hate towards me. It’s left me feeling pretty low this afternoon. I had a lovely time with my daughter painting this morning and then when I saw my garden I have just felt the opposite of how I am meant to when I look at my garden.
I guess I am writing this blog out of sadness that the world just isn’t a place that I would like it to be. It isn’t inspiring and caring and loving. It has these people that just have no regard for peoples feelings. It isn’t easy for me to find time to do my garden having my daughter full time and I was proud of myself for doing it and making it look nice. I would just like to say to those out there who also have these idiots around them to know that I feel your sadness and anger, however it is those people that have lack of respect. It is those who lead these lives that don’t care about others. So yes it’s upsetting but it’s more upsetting that these people exist.
I won’t let these people ruin what I’ve worked so hard to achieve. Mental health is hard enough to cope with. We all need to be there for each other and support each other. Here for anyone who needs to rant too! ☺️
For the last four days I have been clearing out my garden. Originally I was just going to remove a heather that had surrounded one of my palms. It then lead to weeding the border of plants and well now four days later I’ve had a big transformation of my garden.
We have been super lucky to have had such beautiful weather. The sun is definitely a mood changer for me and I am a lot more cheery and have more energy on sunny days. Today it’s cold and cloudy and all I want is to snuggle into a blanket. Since I’m sitting and not doing as much I am noticing my mood. Not that I’m in a dark place but it’s the fact I am noticing it.
Since I was born I have been a really active child always playing outside and keeping busy and this went into teenage years and as a young adult. Then I met an ex partner and I drifted into a more relaxed person. By the way this felt so uncomfortable for me. I felt irritable not doing things. While I’m sitting here writing this I’m recognising I am not a relaxing person. Don’t get me wrong I love a hot bath and a sit in the sun! But I fidget all the time it’s like my body wants to do more. I’m looking around what I can do next. I’m sure there are many of you reading this thinking I’m either crazy and need to chill out or there are the other people similar to me thinking well that’s ok to be active most the time.
So back to gardening. I’ve had such a nice time clearing out the gardening and making my patio nice with pot plants. I haven’t had a second to think of anything negative and I haven’t had any anxiety because of this business. It’s been really nice. They say that spring cleaning in the house is a good way to create a space in your mind and well for me the garden has been the same. A mixture of the sun, fresh air and clearing up has almost been therapy for me. Plus the added time spent with my daughter blowing bubbles brought my inner child out which was really lovely.
I made sure I have made my garden easy to maintain but also an opportunity to get outside more. Just going to water the plants or do some weeding will give me the opportunity to get out of my mindset and just enjoy being in the moment. It is also nice to just put the phone down too as that’s something I can struggle with when I’m indoors.
For those of you who don’t have a garden but have a window ledge why don’t you think of having some indoor plants or even some tomato plants etc. Bring outside in and try being with nature a little more instead of the daily electronics that take over our lives.