In the last year in the U.K. society has really began to accept more individuals for being themselves and choosing their identity. Whether it is gay, lesbian, bisexual, straight, trans, non binary, poly or pan. It has come to my attention that I’ve been aware for a long time that I just don’t feel like I fit into any category clearly.
Since I was 19 I’ve identified as a lesbian woman. Now I’ve never been really feminine in how I dress however I would say my personality is feminine. So what does this mean? Does it mean I am a lesbian and that’s it or can I be lesbian and non binary? Can you be more than one thing. I’m finding it all really confusing at the moment and I know that I don’t have to be anything but I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t feel right. It doesn’t help that you also have butch lesbian and femme because with this I haven’t a clue either. I hate when people ask me which am I because I’m both to be honest!
My mind is almost saying two things. To not be feminine but on the other hand act feminine and I’m not sure if it’s me wanting this or whether I still feel society and generations have made me feel like I have to be a certain way. That I won’t be deemed as beautiful if I don’t wear make up and dresses. I think I have felt this way since I was a teenager. I’ve always been really sporty so wore mostly a shirt or hoody with jeans. To me I feel most myself here but for some reason in my mind this makes me less of a woman and it upsets me that something so little as that changes who I am.
At one point I wondered if I was trans because I didn’t like having breasts and well still don’t really but then I don’t want a penis either and this is wear non binary makes sense because it’s not wanting to be either gender. Saying that I do like to be referred to as a woman but I just don’t know if I like my body that way. As you can see I’m super confused about it all. I’m sure there are many others out there in the same position.
I was talking to my mum today as she was saying how sweet my daughters clothes were. So Joie was wearing a t shirt which was blue with palm leaves on and then some long shorts that where like a brown colour with California down the side. Now to me when I look at these clothes I see nice clothes. Of course I picked them for her. However to some them may see “boys” clothes and well to be honest they were from the boys section in the store. My daughter however doesn’t know this and I almost felt a little bit sad because I don’t want her growing up feeling uncomfortable if she actually prefers the boy clothes. When really it’s a basic t shirt and shorts and she shouldn’t be worrying about any of these things. I don’t know why we still have these gender separations especially for our children. Yes they are boys and girls I’m aware of how it’s not the same but does this mean we have to raise our children in these old fashion gender roles? It’s 2021 don’t you think we should scrap these gender sections in shops and let our children explore all the options for themselves without the awkwardness attached?
We should all bring a positive attitude regarding sexual identity to our children. They need to know that they don’t need to fit into a little box and stay there. I for one will make sure my daughter lives her life for herself and knows that she can be whoever she wants to be and if she ever wants to change that’s also ok too.
For myself this journey of self discovery will forever continue with the hope that one day I will start to feel more at peace with myself. To the people out there in the same position I hope you also find peace with yourself and love yourself.
Be caring to yourself xx