Waiting for the good to happen…

I’ve always struggled with seeing the positive in life. My mother got cancer when I was 15 and it hit me like a brick wall. I then had some tough years with my identity and then some rather poor relationship choices.

My mother is a worrier. Unfortunately this has been passed on to me, even more so when my mum was ill. So how do we get out of this negative rut?

About a month ago after 15 years of being clear from cancer my poor mum got diagnosed again with secondary cancer. This news took me back to being a 15 year old teenager. I’m pretty sure it’s still not hitting me. A part of me just isn’t allowing it to hit me because I know the effects it will have.

A couple of weeks ago I had some good and unexpected news about a house I’ve been waiting for. I’ve been so busy with planning it all that I’ve been able to control my feelings with my mum. Yes she is still very poorly and it’s really upsetting but I’m not on the floor crying. This has made me question my whole worrying and negative process I put myself through all the time.

Maybe if I were to think more about the fact something exciting is going to happen than waiting for the negative I might be able to get through life just that little bit better.

For those of you that are in this negative battle try and focus on something that could be in your reach. Whether it is a new job, a treat for yourself or just having a day without your anxiety. It could be the difference between being on antidepressants and being able to cope by yourself.

Take care of yourself, be positive xx

Loss of interest or motivation?

I’ve recently been asked a few times what do I enjoy or do I have any hobbies. I can’t help feel like this sad pathetic person because I don’t have anything to say on this topic.

So before I had my daughter I went to the gym, did a bit of DIY around the house and felt like maybe I could answer this question. Now I just don’t feel like anything excites me and I can’t even think of something I want to do. I have to find a job soon and I have no clue what to look for. Even the job centre said find something you enjoy. What even is that! It’s starting to stress me out a little for many reasons. Is this temporary, my mental health or something else.

I’m trying to figure out if it’s my lack of motivation and just being tired that’s stopping me from finding something that I’m passionate about. It’s also quite difficult being a full time mum to a toddler to actually have the time to find a new hobby. It’s not like I have free evenings where I can pop out to a new sport club.

Surely I’m not the only one that feels this way at some point. How do you get out of it! Otherwise I feel like the most boring person in the world and it’s not the vibe I want to give my daughter.

I’m definitely needing to get deep under my soul and figure myself out. Maybe meditation will help me to find what I’m passionate about. I wrote another blog about identity crisis from being a childless person to a mother and I feel like my lack of enjoyment might be interlinked with this. Maybe I just need to find what I enjoy now as a mother or just give myself some time as I have had a lot going on. I’m not acknowledging my journey enough and how much life has changed for me. Add in the hormones and no wonder it’s freaking me out a little bit. One part of me is scared to find out the answer to my question and another part of me is looking forward to seeing if I can enjoy things again.

Be caring to yourself xx

What to do when your feelings don’t matter to someone?

So I recently started dating someone and it has come to my attention that some people really don’t want to change at all for anyone to the point everyone but you is important.

I’ve always been really thoughtful and caring and when it comes to someone’s feelings I really try my best to consider them. I think it is so important for all of us to be acknowledged and even if this is out of our beliefs of comfort zones.

The one thing I almost find funny is this sentence I am about to talk about and I’m almost certain that those of you out there have either used this or had it been said to you. Now I don’t know maybe it’s just me but this sentence that was used on me, it’s not been the first time. I find it upsetting, confusing and damn right disrespectful. So here we go. This is what was said; “I know this is going to upset you but…” and then the rest was obviously something that upset me.

Ok now I’m not sure why someone would firstly tell you that something is going to upset you. Secondly why would you do it then if it’s going to upset them when there are clearly other options. Finally just think about what your saying! It’s showing that you don’t care enough. Almost like o well you will be upset but il get to do what I want.

These people just aren’t worth my time. I can’t ever imagine doing something if I knew it was going to upset someone. Especially if it was something that I could find another way. I’m trying to teach my daughter to be strong minded and confident but this behaviour is almost spiteful and I will be telling her when she is older to not accept people to be this way.

Unfortunately if you want a relationship to work you need to focus on the two people in that relationship not ex partners or friends just the two of you. At the end of the day all you will see is everyone else in a happy relationship and your alone because you haven’t made that person feel important enough.

For those of you in relationships think about how you speak to each other and how you communicate. Are you putting their needs first like they do with you. Are you really caring about their feelings like you say or just Brushing it off because it’s not affecting you. For those of you who are single. Stop taking this behaviour from people as it really isn’t acceptable. They either care or they don’t. Walk away as you deserve more! I think these days people seem to accept their partners being nasty but seriously you shouldn’t be taking it.

Be caring to yourself and others xx

Being the impossible

Why is it we are always trying to be something we aren’t. Whether it’s our identity, our religion, our work or our relationships we are always fighting ourselves.

For me I’ve always struggled with my identify mostly because I am so different to my family, especially my sister. For one I’m a lesbian which my sister or any other family member or friend isn’t. Secondly I don’t have a stable career; my sister has always known what she wanted to do and she stuck to it. Then add being Vegan on top of that and I couldn’t feel more out of place with the world. It’s almost like I just can’t keep up.

The problem is there is so much media these days that we all then feel like we aren’t doing enough. We aren’t skinny enough or fit enough, we can’t do amazing tricks or paint beautiful portraits. Not saying these people don’t work extremely hard at their skills and professions.

So why are we feeling so bad after seeing these things? Especially when we know how they got to be that way. I think a part of it is inner guilt. A lack of trying that we know we could do more but we choose not too. I know myself I really struggle to have motivation due to my bouts of anxiety and depression. I also give up really easily on tasks. Is this something I’ve chosen to be or how I am though? Is it my fault I can’t match up to expectations?

Recently I have been really looking at myself and my life. I have noticed what part of the problem is and that’s self love. I’m never seeing the good parts of myself I don’t say to myself your doing a great job raising a baby by yourself. Instead I’m always focusing on what I’m not doing. We always want more we always focus on the future and what we need to do never on the present and how much we have already accomplished.

The thing is we can’t compare ourselves with others because we are all so different. We all believe in something different we all have priorities that are more or less important and we all think differently. This doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there that have these same values as you. It’s just finding communities that make you feel more supported and safe and understood.

Maybe next time you see an Instagram post, blog or news report don’t even think about relating it to yourself because you can’t! Yes we can admire it, enjoy it or even learn from it but don’t compare your life to it. Your special, important and worthy in your own way. Learn to love your life the way it is. It’s what makes you, YOU. Love the life you live and live the life you love.

Be caring to yourself xx

Body Image… let’s update it

Recently I was talking to a women just in conversation about keeping healthy and all of a sudden it straight away turned from talking about food we both eat to feeling bad about our bodies. Why is this? Why do women feel the need to explain ourselves and why we might be overweight or in some cases underweight.

It got me thinking whether this will ever change or if it’s going to be an issue for my daughter too. I clearly don’t agree with being unhealthy however some women out there do try to eat healthy and exercise and there weight still upsets them.

Walk down a street on a hot day and there are men with their tops off; not all having a six pack either some would be a size 18 if they wore women’s clothes. Now if you had a woman do they same they would get so much critic for doing that. In fact so much so if they had the option most if not all wouldn’t take their top off out of judgement and fear.

Why do we have this problem still in our world. Back in the Italian renaissance women were called beautiful for their curvaceous bodies. Artists would make sculptures and they were seen as the norm. Now if you had that people would say it was horrible to look at.

Let’s also remember that women do have a reproductive cycle. This includes the menstrual cycle which does cause our bodies to bloat. Then most of us have babies which completely changes not only our bodies but our hormones that regulates things like our metabolism. Our breasts change and our hips widen. This isn’t anything we have done to change. It is how the female form was created. So why should we be judged for this.

Like mentioned at the start women are also criticised for being too thin too! We honestly can’t win on the body image front. Some women then feel less feminine when their breasts aren’t as big and a lot of the time will get bullied and laughed at because of it. I do know men also get judgement for ‘man boobs’ however for a man it’s not usually the daily struggle that women have to face. Also usually men will find it easier to loose this body fat than a woman would.

I think it’s time to have less body shaming and start to accept that everyone does have a different body shape or different story that has affected their body. I know that when I had my daughter my body was in a lot of pain for many months. So me trying to exercise wasn’t an option and many other women who have had babies will find that it causes them problems. To this day I have a bad back that stops me doing certain things. Even after typing in female body to the image section it comes up with lots of women exercising like that’s what we should all be doing!!

Maybe it’s because I’m nearly 30 but I’ve learnt that if someone can’t love me for me then really it’s their loss not mine. I’m proud of my body it’s been through a lot and yet it is still beautiful in it’s own form. So instead of looking in the mirror feeling sad about yourself why don’t you look at how far you have come and embrace yourself. Pick out three things you love about yourself and remember how beautiful the female body is!

Be caring to yourself xx

Why do we Label?

I’m all for identity and being yourself and until now labelling wasn’t really an issue for me. It’s 2021 and there are so many labels that I can’t actually keep up. I’m most likely going to accidentally offend someone.

Lately though I feel these labels are taking away attention from who we are as individuals. I would usually describe myself as a 29 year old vegan lesbian mum of one. As true as this information is it doesn’t tell you anything about who I am. It doesn’t say what movies I enjoy, how I like my cup of tea or what makes me happy.

I’m trying to figure out whether we use these labels for ourselves as reaffirmation or if we use it for others to identify us in a convenient way. The problem I find with labels is that people put themselves into these categories and feel like that’s it for life. What if you change who you are? Are you then going to get questioned or judged? Is someone going to look at you differently or not include you?

I feel like I’m in a place in my life where I want to explore and find myself and everyone should be able to do this without feeling like they are going outside of their label. I’m not necessarily going to go out of my label but what I’m trying to get at is that I don’t want to feel guilty for it if I do or scrutinised by others.

We shouldn’t have to feel so constricted and what is also interesting is that the labels we have is just to show how we are different from the so called norms. You wouldn’t get a straight person saying they straight as heterosexual relationships are seen as normal. The same goes for those who eat meat and those who are Christian.

I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t take labels too literal and don’t feel the need to use them to describe yourself. Yes they are a part of you but there is so much more people will want to know about you. Your allowed to just enjoy your life. Don’t limit yourself because you feel like you have to.

Be caring to yourself xx

Loosing yourself

It’s not until I meet up with a friend by myself or pop to the shop alone that I realise my identity isn’t the same now I am a parent.

My journey started with IUI fertility treatment. I went through this as I was in a same sex relationship. I really wanted a child and so I made it happen. Luckily I was successful. When I chose to have a child I didn’t really realise how my identity would change. Obviously I knew I was going to be a mum but until you are a parent you don’t think about some of the changes to your life.

I’m not your average stereotypical mum. I certainly don’t dress like one and I’m not into all those mum groups and coffee meet ups. Not saying that there is something wrong with these at all. It’s just not me.

Be a single parent it’s really hard to do the things you love that makes you feel a bit more in touch with yourself. For example there are times I’d love to go for a nice walk in the evening or pop to the beach and watch the sunset. However when you have a little one you can’t just do that when they are fast asleep in bed. I love my little one to pieces but it’s been hard for me to loose my identity. Yes I identify as a mum of course. However when you are alone either at work or on a date it’s really hard to then go from a mum to you as a person. It’s almost like I’m having some sort of identity crisis at the moment.

I remember when I was pregnant I felt like I had to be someone I’m not. I’d say I’m fairly tomboy so to be pregnant it felt like something did match up and I did become more feminine because of this. A lot of the time it’s probably because I worry way too much about what others think of me. It doesn’t help when you get called a boy when you have short hair. It’s 2021 women have short hair!

It’s not that I’m not happy identifying as a mum but I am also many other things and I feel like these parts of me get forgotten about. When people ask what are your interests and hobbies I honestly don’t know how to answer because I don’t have any now that I’m a full time mum. I guess I find this upsetting because it shows that I’ve lost myself slightly.

I think it’s time I found a new interest or hobby that I can enjoy for me. Soon my little one will be in nursery. I want to use that time for myself. To do the things I love and maybe I will start to feel a bit more at peace with myself. I’m sure I’m not the only mum out there that feels this way.

Be caring to yourself xx

Gardening & Mental Health

For the last four days I have been clearing out my garden. Originally I was just going to remove a heather that had surrounded one of my palms. It then lead to weeding the border of plants and well now four days later I’ve had a big transformation of my garden.

We have been super lucky to have had such beautiful weather. The sun is definitely a mood changer for me and I am a lot more cheery and have more energy on sunny days. Today it’s cold and cloudy and all I want is to snuggle into a blanket. Since I’m sitting and not doing as much I am noticing my mood. Not that I’m in a dark place but it’s the fact I am noticing it.

Since I was born I have been a really active child always playing outside and keeping busy and this went into teenage years and as a young adult. Then I met an ex partner and I drifted into a more relaxed person. By the way this felt so uncomfortable for me. I felt irritable not doing things. While I’m sitting here writing this I’m recognising I am not a relaxing person. Don’t get me wrong I love a hot bath and a sit in the sun! But I fidget all the time it’s like my body wants to do more. I’m looking around what I can do next. I’m sure there are many of you reading this thinking I’m either crazy and need to chill out or there are the other people similar to me thinking well that’s ok to be active most the time.

So back to gardening. I’ve had such a nice time clearing out the gardening and making my patio nice with pot plants. I haven’t had a second to think of anything negative and I haven’t had any anxiety because of this business. It’s been really nice. They say that spring cleaning in the house is a good way to create a space in your mind and well for me the garden has been the same. A mixture of the sun, fresh air and clearing up has almost been therapy for me. Plus the added time spent with my daughter blowing bubbles brought my inner child out which was really lovely.

I made sure I have made my garden easy to maintain but also an opportunity to get outside more. Just going to water the plants or do some weeding will give me the opportunity to get out of my mindset and just enjoy being in the moment. It is also nice to just put the phone down too as that’s something I can struggle with when I’m indoors.

For those of you who don’t have a garden but have a window ledge why don’t you think of having some indoor plants or even some tomato plants etc. Bring outside in and try being with nature a little more instead of the daily electronics that take over our lives.

Be caring to yourself xx

Celebrate every success

What a crazy year it has been! I think everyone has felt a bit pants with this virus and it has lead to living a almost negative lifestyle. But there are things we should celebrate more that we fail to acknowledge.

So what sort of things am I talking about? Well it can literally be anything! It’s spring so why don’t you have a mini clear out and spring clean while your stuck inside more. Not only will the house look better but it will naturally make your mind more free of negative vibes. Cleanse your mind as well as you home!

I’m naturally an anxious person who can get into deep depression easily so for me this has been an eye opener. Recently I have left my work to look after my daughter before she starts nursery. Believe me it’s not easy being non stop all day with a little one. So to all you stay at home parents your doing a great job! Celebrate this. Have an evening where you have some treats and feel good about how your coping.

Getting your child through milestones can be exhausting. I’ve not long potty trained mine and I was knackered at the start due to the constant taking her to the toilet every hour and then changing her or cleaning up accidents. I found it mentally draining. But hey I bloody did it! So I’m going to make it a big deal. We always just brush over these moments like they were nothing but in fact they are really big moments for our little ones and we helped them get there so don’t ignore it!

If your feeling in a bit of a crappy mood then look for something you can complete however small it may be and then celebrate that you have done it.

It’s so easy for us to be hermits right now and self destruct but finding little things to make us feel better is a start to living a more virus free life.

Having anxiety I find even going outside for a walk is an achievement. For others it may be super easy but for me it can be very overwhelming leaving the house. Still if you aren’t quite there yet don’t despair you could do something else to help with your anxiety like trying a meditation session. This can also be a success.

Find one thing today that you can do. It can be cleaning the house, doing some washing, sorting through paperwork, going outside or just looking back at those times you have accomplished something like I did with potty training and just take a moment to praise yourself! You deserve it.

Be caring to yourself xx

Where is my energy?

One of these days I would love to wake up with lots of energy and just smash out the day! I shouldn’t do it but looking at Instagram is making me feel so out of condition and like a heap of potatoes.

I was a really active child and teenager. Joining the Army after I left school, fitness was my favourite thing to do all the time. Even when I left the army I went into personal training. Then out of knowhere I completely lost my love of sport and exercise.

I’m not sure if I had some sort of mental breakdown or something but it’s been like an identity crisis for me when I lost something I loved doing. Now I have little motivation for anything active. Which as you can imagine just makes everything worse.

Funny fact; I’m current writing this blog while on my spin bike. Trying to gain some sort of inspiration from my life. Plus I had an Easter egg yesterday so the guilt has kicked in haha. No I don’t go on it every day at all!

So what I am trying to figure out is whether this is all in my head this lack of energy or there is something going on in my body to make me feel this way.

I have a two year old daughter too which I raise by myself so obviously that takes away a little bit of my energy. Or could it be that I’m 30 this year and energy just isn’t the same! Surely this can’t be it!

I’ve started being really strict with taking all the essential vitamins plus a few extra ones to help with my pms. I also make sure I eat healthy too. Water I could drink more so I need to really focus on this one as they say it can help with your energy levels.

If it is a mental barrier what can I do to change this? Should I push myself to get up everyday and just go for a walk to help kickstart my energy levels? I think I will start doing some sort of diary and get back to everyone on this. I’m pretty sure lockdown hasn’t helped with feeling so shut in all the time.

How about yourselves? Is energy a problem that you suffer with on a daily basis or are you still out and about working your ass off and looking fantastic from it? Please leave comments if you have been in the same situation and managed to solve it!

Be caring to yourself xx